Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Daily Figment 168: Chernabog

Our good friend, Glenn from Passamaquoddy, sent us a missive about his favorite villain.

The Ultimate Evil gets a bum wrap.

Just ask anyone who has ever listened to a politician or voted for the best singer on American Idol… The talented ones get the short end of the stick. And so, after reading the results of a poll on Imaginerding, I found myself abducted by the ultimate evil… His only request, that I set the record straight by convincing everyone else of his dirty doings. He also demanded I dress up like Buzz Lightyear but that doesn’t play into this report. Of course, when I’m talking about THE ULTIMATE EVIL, I’m talking CHERNOBOG!

It’s obvious from the names listed on the Imaginerding poll that its creators... had never been abducted by one of them. Let us scrutinize the evil poll before I have to do another “To Infinity and Beyond”.

Pistol Pete. Sure, he’s big, and grumpy, and if the films were in smell-o-vision, he’s probably stanky. But other than Mickey and Minnie, Pistol Pete seems to be habitually evil and only interested in them…

Malificent. She’s got a cool hat and staff. And she’s able to turn herself into a pretty unruly dragon, but in the end her goals are very earthbound.

Ursula. This sea witch is purple. Barney the dinosaur is purple. NEXT!

Cruella de Ville. She’s so thin, she only has one side. Not only that, her evil goal in the end is… getting a nice wardrobe.

Captain Hook. Befuddled and Bungled by ticking clocks and a kid who poses for Peanut Butter jars.

Queen of Hearts. She’s pretty aggressive but in the end, she gets shuffled into a deck.

SPOILER MASSIVE FEAR ALERT – In this next section I will be discussing the ultimate evil – Chernobog! If you are of weak heart or find any of the above frightening, stop reading now…


While those other villains got their rotten on, let’s take a look at the big daddy…

First of all, his size - He is a big mountain of a guy – ALWAYS. Some of those others become big near the end of their lives but live most of their existence at piddly human size. With the exception of Pistol Pete, they all have minions to run their errands: one or two idiotic sidekicks that at some point cause their patron some trouble. Chernobog’s minions number in the thousands and they are evil screaming skeletons and ghosts. Both Chernobog and his minions have a sense of rhythm, knowing exactly when to shoot a fireball or charge the screen. While the others may warrant a musical motif or so, Chernobog’s got a popular classical song associated with his appearance. He’s got the coolest hiding place! He’s got wings! The Disney artists did an amazing job of crafting his image. Nobody would ever ‘trust’ him they way they do those other folk at one time or another. The evil poll shows a list of characters with regular earthbound goals from revenge to obtaining a new outfit. Chernobog doesn’t get bothered with that petty stuff… His goal is destruction and mayhem… always!

In summary, those other characters may indeed be considered to be minions of Chernobog, but he as the active puppet master has it all over them.

I mean, just look at how they are plucked from their specific stories… The police take them away, or a sword in the chest, or a boat driven into the gut or chased away by a ticking alligator. Chernobog gets scared away by… a slow moving choir on their way to chapel. It’s almost like he’s… scared of... the Christmas... Candlelight Processional.

Maybe he’s not so evil after all. Forget I said anything. My vote's for Pistol Pete.




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